


Carry On, Merlin

by slightlytookish



Category: Merlin (BBC)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, Gen, One of My Favorites
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-19
Updated: 2010-06-19
Packaged: 2017-10-10 04:40:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/95588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slightlytookish/pseuds/slightlytookish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life is a rummy thing. One moment you're trying to stay awake whilst Lady Helen bellows an aria when suddenly the beazel is hurtling towards you with a rather sharp knife in her outstretched hand. It was dashed distressing but I had no need to fear because Merlin – my man, you know – managed to biff her over the head with the help of a falling chandelier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Carry On, Merlin

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the following kinkme_merlin prompt: "The events of Merlin, written in the style of Wodehouse. So all the goings-on with monsters, sorcerers etc told as if they're gentle, whimsical adventures." I've borrowed and adapted the title from Wodehouse's Carry On, Jeeves.

Life is a rummy thing. One moment you're trying to stay awake whilst Lady Helen bellows an aria when suddenly the beazel is hurtling towards you with a rather sharp knife in her outstretched hand. It was dashed distressing but I had no need to fear because Merlin – my man, you know – managed to biff her over the head with the help of a falling chandelier.

You wouldn't think Merlin capable of biffing anyone over the head if you looked at him but after what happened with that blasted Sophia and her father I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of one of his biffs and let me say that it's not something you'd try for pleasure. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

It all began at one of my father's ghastly dinner parties. After Lady Helen was crushed under the chandelier and her assassination attempt thwarted thanks to Merlin – who wasn't my valet then, but one of the countless servants at Camelot Court – my father saw fit to promote him to the rank of a gentleman's personal gentleman, namely _my_ personal gentleman. Since then Merlin has hardly left my side.

Other servants are solemn, quiet fellows who only speak to say "Yes, sir" and "No, sir," but Merlin clomps through life with a gormless smile and has apparently never heard of the word "deferential." I don't think he's called me Sir once since the day I toddled back to the flat with him, and though he's utter rubbish at cooking, cleaning, and all other household tasks he is rather loyal and ready to engage in all sorts of suspect behaviour to keep me out of the soup, even if it means knocking me out with a lump of wood. I nearly sacked him for that but never let it be said that Arthur Pendragon is an ungrateful master. Besides, every cloud has a silver whatsit and I'd rather suffer a headache for a day than a lifetime with Sophia.

My troubles began when I rescued her from a bag-snatcher one afternoon. I stepped out of my club to the horrific sounds of her wailing and her father's shouting and the sight of a man dashing away from them with a small jewelled bag in hand.

I hotfooted after him and tackled the chap, wrestling the bag away from him with the sort of finesse that comes from years of wrenching my favourite trousers out of the jaws of my step-sister Morgana's frightful Scottish terrier, Mordred. I returned the purloined bag to its owner, a pretty girl who looked at me with soppy eyes and gratefully declared me her hero.

In short, I was doomed.

I invited Sophia and her father Aulfric back to my flat for drinks – with the most honourable of intentions, of course – and all was well for a while. Sophia was a lovely girl despite her penchant for carrying around an enormous walking stick more suited to picking one's way through wild landscapes than leisurely strolls in London. Aulfric was a decent fellow and for once even Merlin was cooperative and decided to behave as a proper servant should for perhaps the first time in his life.

But then something happened, the circumstances of which I still don't understand because Merlin is anything but an open book and can be quite shifty when he wants to be. And I never saw him look shiftier than when he was trying to convince me to break off things with Sophia.

"I just don't think you should be spending so much time with her," he said one evening as he reluctantly helped me dress for a night out. "You hardly know her."

"What absolute rot," I said with a dismissive laugh. "There's nothing wrong with Sophia. Don't be jealous, Merlin. It really doesn't suit you."

I must have angered the poor chap because his face turned uncharacteristically red. "I'm not jealous!" he sputtered, averting his eyes and looking more suspicious by the moment. "You're besotted with her and far too trusting. It's blinding you to what she really is."

"What are you gibbering about now, Merlin?" I said, giving my tie an impatient tug. When he didn't answer I laughed again.

"Don't worry," I said. "I'm only taking Sophia to dinner. What could possibly go wrong?"

Merlin muttered something mutinous which I magnanimously chose to ignore as I accepted the hat and walking stick he held out to me.

"Don't wait up," I said with a grin as I walked out of the door, which Merlin kindly slammed behind me loud enough to rattle the walls. I strode down the hall with a whistle on my lips, never realising the peril I was about to face.

Dinner began pleasantly enough, what with the wine flowing and Sophia doting on me. She never let my cup run dry and at one point during the night she set a frightfully bright blue drink before me.

"I say," I said. "That's frightfully blue."

"Try it, Arthur," she said, batting her eyelashes at me. "It's simply divine."

I noticed that she wasn't drinking it – in fact, she wasn't drinking anything at all – but I decided that I was man enough to handle a hideously blue drink, even if it was fizzling in a peculiar way. I downed it in one go.

The world went a bit fuzzy after that. I vaguely remember Sophia suggesting a dance, but instead of crowding on the floor with the other happy couples I found myself tripping along beside her through a suspiciously tree-filled area.

"We're not dancing," I slurred in surprise.

"Oh, did I say dancing?" she said innocently. Her fingers tightened around my arm in a merciless grip that would have rivalled a sergeant major. Or Morgana. "I meant to say, let's go and take a walk around the lake."

"Right ho," I said, and stumbled along beside her.

Suddenly Aulfric was there. "Hullo, old fruit," I said cheerily. He ignored me and turned to his daughter.

"Everything is prepared," he said in an ominous tone. "All you need to do is get him into the lake and say the spell."

"Spell?" I echoed. For the first time that evening I felt a pang of worry – or perhaps it was my imminent hangover – and I wondered if Merlin, despite his usual foolishness, had been right about them.

I tried to draw away but they prevented my escape, pushing me into the lake as their eyes flashed red. Red! What the hell had been in that last drink?

"Now! Do it now!" Aulfric commanded and Sophia began to chant like one of Macbeth's witches.

"What are you doing?" I cried but they continued to ignore me. I continued to struggle but I felt her dreadful chanting beginning to have an effect on me. Just before my eyes slipped closed I saw a flash of blue light and heard a shout that may have belonged to Aulfric. But then my eyes drifted shut and I knew no more as I fell into the water.

When woke I was lying on the shore with my head pounding relentlessly. There was no sign of Sophia and Aulfric but Merlin was leaning over me, looking frantic.

"Oh, good," he said, sitting back on his heels as his worried expression changed to one of relief. "You're awake."

After much groaning I managed to sit up. "What happened?" I said, looking down at my wet and ruined suit. I abruptly remembered Sophia and Aulfric and that disastrous blue drink. My stomach lurched unpleasantly. "She tried to drown me. Of all the bally nerve!"

Merlin nodded grimly. "I was worried when you were late coming back from dinner so I followed your trail and made it here just in time to help you out of the lake."

"Where are Sophia and Aulfric?"

"They're gone now," Merlin said vaguely. The shifty expression returned to his face.

I tenderly rubbed at my head which throbbed back in response. "There was a blue light," I said eventually. "I saw it just before I fell in the lake. Did you see it?"

"Um," Merlin said eloquently. "That may have been when I knocked you over the head with a lump of wood."

"You. _What_?"

"I was aiming for Aulfric," he said, smiling sweetly. "He wouldn't let you go. I'm sorry. Are you all right?"

"Of course I'm not all right, Merlin!" I snapped, clutching simultaneously at my head and my stomach, both of which seemed determined to clamour for my attention in the most unpleasant manner possible. I had to take a deep breath and then another before I felt ready to face my valet.

"No one can know about this," I said, pointing a finger in what I hoped looked like a menacing manner. "Not my father, not Morgana – no one. Is that clear?"

"All right," he said with an agreeable shrug.

"There's something about you, Merlin," I said, giving him a wary look. "It's dashed uncanny the way you manage to pull me out of these scrapes at the last moment. It's like magic."

"Magic. _Ha_," Merlin said, looking more uncomfortable than ever under my narrowed-eyed scrutiny. "Let's get you home."

He helped me up and kept a steady arm around my back as he guided me to the footpath whilst I grumbled and hobbled along beside him.

"Look on the bright side," he said after a moment, smiling broadly. "You've still got me."

"If you think that's going to cheer me up, Merlin-" I began before trailing off. I looked over at my valet and felt a smile tugging at my lips.

"Well," I said, slinging my arm around him companionably. "I suppose I could do worse."


End file.
